Picking Up the Pieces
by SMS13
Summary: Sequel to All is lost... What is Abby's life Seven years after Carter left? Kattybaby2813's fic, taken over by me... Chapter Eight's up... What happens between Abby and Donnie when he finds out Tayte's not exactly his...
1. Contentment

PRE AUTHOR'S NOTES::: I'M TAKING OVER THIS FIC AS OF NOW... LOL I START FROM CHAPTER FIVE ON... SO HAVE FUN, I HOPE I LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.. ESPECIALLY YOU KAT... LOL AND DON'T MAKE ME LOOK TOO BAD WITH MY PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!!

Authors Note- A few things... I haven't gotten the reviews for the last two chapters, cause something is down with fanfiction.net, and I can't get to them. But I would like to thank everyone who reviewed. Thanks so much. It could be a bunch of insults telling me never to write again, and to throw my computer out the window casue the writing world is safer without me in it. But none the less, I decided to continue with this fic. My other authors Note at the bottom. Oh if you want to review, so I can actually get it lol, you can emial me at zippybebirdhotmail.com, please still review though, I will eventually get them. When I do, I will respond to them.   
  
7 years Later  
  
"So?" I look up from my stack of charts, and by stack I mean forty charts that I have yet to finish. I give Susan a quizzical look and she promptly rolls her eyes in response only to take a seat next to me, to further clarify her ramblings. "You are honestly telling me you have no clue what I am talking about?"   
  
"Yes Susan, I am 'honestly telling you I have no clue what you are talking about.'" I mimic. She looks at me for a moment, takes a sip of her coffee , still watching me intently, leaving me wondering she is ever going to expand on her, one worded, question.   
  
"Donnie."  
  
"What about him?" She stares at me again. I roll my eyes, picking up another chart. "Why don't you try to be more vague."   
  
"Okay, well, I thought you would know what I was getting at, but obviously I was DEAD wrong."   
  
"Obviously." Interrupt.   
  
"Are you two going to tie the knot?" I laugh, a deep throaty laugh, then turn back to my unfinished charts. This is a touchy subject, one I'd rather not discuss right now. Its neither the time or the place, and I'm not in the mood, nor the type of person to be discussing this with. She stares at me again. God, I wish she would stop doing that.   
  
"Look Susan, I don't know." She leans back in her chair trying to read my facial expression. I hold her gaze for a moment, before turning back to my unfinished work. Yeah, I'd rather do these charts then talk about this subject. Susan watches me doing my work, I get the feeling she is waiting for me to give her an answer to her question. Sorry, baby, but that is something I do not have. We are complicated, not as complicated as other relationships I've been in, such as him...  
  
"Well, I am going back to work. But we are not finished this." She says with her signature smirk. I laugh lightly, as she walks out of the swinging door. Who would of thought being a resident was this much work. I have to get home, I have a family life to tend too. I look around the dark lounge, cluttered with books and jackets. We just got a slew, well, three, new residence, all of whom, need lockers. We don't have them yet so they dump their stuff around the lounge. I check my watch for the billionth time today, and for once it tells me what I want to know. I am off. Usually I would stick around to finish up work, but today I have places to be. I grab my purse off the table, and throw my jacket around my shoulders.   
  
"Where are you going?" The shrill voice behind me causes me to wince. So close, so damn close. Three inches away from being free of this hell hole, yet she caught me.   
  
"I'm off." I turn around to see the short red head hobbling over towards me. Its a bitch trying to get out of this place these days. It was even worse before the new residence came. We are so desperate for staff, staff that we can't afford, so they make the little staff they do have work over time.   
  
She nods at me, signalling her okay for me to leave. I don't really care if it is okay with her that I leave. I'm off, I'm going to leave. I quickly turn away and walk towards the L. Donnie took the car today. Usually, whoever isn't working gets the car. It is easier that way, a lot easier. I never thought I would fall in love again, since him... I don't think about him much anymore, I talk about him even less. No one has heard from him since the day he left a little over seven years ago. Its funny, one minute we thought nothing could tear us apart. The next the world is our enemy. Donnie knows bits and pieces about our past, whatever I feel like telling her knows. He asks when I am in one of my moods, my self deprecating moods. Where he knows he can get things out of me. But ever since Donnie, I have been happy. We have had our moments, but for the most part, its been great.   
  
I walk into the train, grabbing an empty seat. We don't work at the same time, we arrange our shifts so they are opposite one another. Not that I don't love working with him. Well I don't really. Sometimes things at work can get a little personal. I have never been one for drawing a line in between my personal and professional life. One way or the other they end up intertwining causing a ruckus. That's why I was so hesitant to date Donnie. I didn't need it anymore. First Luka, then Carter, then John. I cringe just at the memory of him. He was a nice guy, but I feared for the moment that he would just crazy on me. That's enough to send any half way sane person over the edge. The train doors open, allowing me to get off . The walk to our apartment isn't far from the L stop. Donnie wants to get a bigger place, its probably not a bad idea. I walk up the steps to our two bedroom apartment.   
  
The elevator is empty which is a relief. There is a man a few doors over from us who gives me the willies. I am not sure what his story is, and if I knew, I probably wouldn't sleep at night. For now I just do my best to avoid him, and not get into situations where I have to be alone with him. I get off the elevator, heading straight for my apartment. The door is agreeing with me today and opens the minute I turn the handle.   
  
"Mommy." The smiling brown haired boy bounds up to me. His hair still gelled, spiking up. The gel is so strong it can take an eye out. We had a near hit accident this morning, one, I'm sure Donnie has tried his best all day to forget. I lift him up in my arms, he is starting to get to big for this.   
  
"How was your day, baby?" He smiles, his big toothless smile.   
  
"Good. Daddy picked me up from school. We went skating." I look at Donnie, he walks towards me, avoiding the toys that clutter the floor.   
  
"Hey." He quickly plants a kiss on my lips.   
  
"Hi." I smile, my son looks at me, a grin spread across his face. "What are you smiling at?" I say tickling him. Screeches of laughter escape his tiny body. His arms grip tighter around my neck. I kiss him on his cheek. "How was skating?" I don't direct this question at anyone in particular.   
  
"Good. We learnt how to skate today, didn't we?" I look down at the little boy in my arms. He is sidetracked by my hair, looping it around his fingers then tossing it around.   
  
"Tayte." He looks at me, "did you learn how to skate?"   
  
"Sort of. Daddy says I am better. I am good already." He climbs out of my arms, running towards his bedroom.   
  
"Get ready for bed. We'll go skating again next week." Tayte stops at the doorway and sticks out his tongue. He's a classy kid, that Tayte. Donnie sticks his tongue out back at Tayte.   
  
"How was work?" Donnie wraps his arm around my waist, leading me to the couch. I flop down, his arm stretched out over the couch. I immediately curl up against his body. My head resting on his chest, while his fingers trace patterns along my arm. I sigh, looking up to make eye contact.   
  
"Long, tiring, redundant."   
  
"Life of a resident." He smiles. I nod in agreement, lucky bastard, he's finished his residency. He's now an attending, not that he is good at helping me with whatever I may need help with. "When do you work next?"   
  
"Two days." I says wrapping my arms around his waist, planting little kisses on his neck, trailing down to his clothed chest.   
  
"Well, I work tomorrow." He responds, as I slowly unbutton his top, he watches as I kiss my way down to his navel. "I'd love to do this." He breathes, as I reach into his sweat pants, grabbing his semi hard erection.   
  
"What?" I look at him, he has a small smile playing on his lips.   
  
"I have a presentation I have to write." He pulls me hand out of his pants, intertwining our fingers. "I couldn't do it earlier, cause I had Tayte here."   
  
"I didn't know you had to do a presentation." I sigh sitting up. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a standing hug.   
  
"Neither did I. Weaver called me at three today, she was suppose to do it, but..."  
  
"She didn't want to." I finish. Damn that women, always out to wreck my fun.   
  
"Yeah, well, she didn't use those words exactly." He laughs, "its some board or something like that. I am trying to convince a group of boorish old men, why they should donate money to the ER."   
  
"Oh, I heard about that. She was pimping it at us today. Telling us to come, show our support for the department. We are in desperate need of the money." He leads me into the bedroom, I flop down on the bed. Trying my best to avoid the books he has laid out over our bed.   
  
"Its some foundation. I'm not sure about all the details. But I would really appreciate if you came to root me on." He says kissing my cheekbone, then down my neck. What, I thought we couldn't do this? I run my fingers through his hair.   
  
"MOMMY!" I look over at the door, where Tayte stands. A shirt stuck on his head, his arms sprawled out in the air. A terrified look on the parts of his face that are visible. I stifle a laugh as I go and free my son of the shirt monster.   
  
"Tayte, what did you do?" Donnie laughs, Tayte responds by screeching at the top of his lungs.   
  
"Cut it out, Taters. I'm going to free you." I say bringing the top over his head, I throw it at Donnie. Who is still laughing at his son. Tayte runs for the bathroom, I follow, preparing to help him get ready for bed.   
  
"My birfdays in a few days." He tells me, wiping his toothpaste foam away from his mouth.   
  
"Yeah, you're going for March 1st this year?" He nods yes, chewing on his toothbrush. "Tayte don't do that." I take the toothbrush away from him, he throws water over his face. Tayte had the weird luck of being born on February 29th, a leap year. Each year he rotates when to celebrate his birthday.   
  
"Baby," I look at the door, Donnie is leaning against the frame.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Susan called. She says you HAVE to go for coffee with her tomorrow morning. Meet her at Ike's at nine. Which is a half an hour before my presentation." He sighs, still not content with having to do this. It could turn out okay, probably not, but its always a possibility.   
  
"All right." I cringe, I know exactly what she wants to talk about. Me, Donnie, wedding rings. I don't think she gets it, Donnie doesn't want to get married. He was in a loveless marriage before. I know, how ironic. We're like two peas in a pod. I am not sure I am ready for marriage either. Although, both of us coming from loveless relationships leave us with experience in the marriage department. But it only adds, unwanted, strain to our relationship if we talk about it.   
  
"Okay Tayte, time for bed." I say picking him up and tossing him over my shoulder. He hangs onto me for dear life.   
  
"Mommy, will you read me a story?"   
  
"Of course baby."   
  
"Good... Daddy doesn't read them as good as you. Even I can read better then Daddy, and I'm in grade one." I open the door to his bedroom, setting him down on the bed. He lies down, watching as I rifle through his bookshelf to find something to read to him.   
  
"I am the best reader in my class, you know that?"   
  
"And the best gloater." I say, standing up handing him a book. He smiles at me, he may be smart, but he knows it.   
  
??  
  
Authors Note-x2- I know, I know. You're all thinking, didn't she say this was going to be a childless story??? But I could not resist. Heh, look for an update tomorrow. Also, the story should pick up a bit in the next chapter. This was just sorta giving out the background... A little introduction if you will.


	2. Piercing Torment

Authors Note- So this is chapter one. Sorry it took so long for me to get it up. I will try to be quicker next time. I hope you enjoy the story. I responded to your reviews. They are at the bottom. Oh, and I have no clue where this chapter came from. Please read and review:)  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"How do I look?" Donnie runs his fingers through his hair once more. A nervous smile on his face, I know he is not keen on doing this presentation.   
  
"Beautiful." I grin. He leans down to my level, planting a kiss on my lips. "I'll be there, I promise. I just have to meet Susan for coffee first, so she can drill me on our relationship." I sigh rolling my eyes. Donnie pulls me into another quick hug, I pull away tugging at his tie. He looks so handsome dress nicely. Though he doesn't do it much. He'd rather be in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. But, can you really blame him?   
  
"Okay, well have fun with Susan. Tell her Tayte has been bugging me to visit with Baxter more." I laugh, they were best friends from birth.  
  
"I'll arrange something." He trails his fingers along my shoulder, as he makes his way out of the lounge and to his impending doom. Presentations, not exactly a thrilling part of the job. Nor one that happens very often. Well, not to me, or Donnie, but he got roped in by Weaver. I twirl on my heels, taking another glance around the disassembled lounge. Damn residence.   
  
Susan and I don't go for coffee much anymore, McDonalds, all the time. But not coffee. We don't have much time to talk, not like we use too. More then when Baxter and Tayte first arrived on the scene, but still not enough. Life is hectic with kids, and a possible husband. Serious boyfriend, for around seven years. I know that will, inevitably, be the main topic of conversation today. She can't help it, its curiosity. Its been this way since Tayte was born. I haven't the faintest clue what I want to do. Is marriage really a road I want to venture down again? Will I have the same luck with Donnie that I had with Richard? Time will only tell, but I have to be willing to take that risk. This time not only is my heart on the line, so is Tayte's. The most important person in both of our lives.   
  
I push through the heavy hospital doors, the Chicago wind smacking me in the face, nothing like a cool day to wake you up. I head straight for the diner that is strategically placed right across the street. Beats cafeteria food. I rush towards it, running in, knowing how pissed off Susan is going to be about my tardiness. I frantically search the diner, trying to look as though I am truly sorry about my lateness. I'm not.   
  
"Over here." I hear Susan say in an irritated sing song voice. I smile sympathetically, she doesn't buy it.   
  
"Don't even try it." She grins, the waitress comes over placing coffee in front of me and tea in front of Susan. Smart women, ordering for me. Gotta love Susan. I nurse the steaming cup of coffee that lay in front of me. The lack of sleep catching up to me. Carefully, I take a sip of the bitter hot liquid. The taste fills my mouth, I hesitantly swallow it.   
  
"So?" I begin, trying to get this ball rolling before I have to go see Donnie's presentation.   
  
"How's Tayte..." She pauses watching me, "Donnie?" I suppress a light chuckle, figuring on a day like today, we're best not to beat around the bush. Or we may just poke ourselves in the eye with a wayward thorn.   
  
"They're both good." I sigh, "look Susan..."   
  
"I miscarried." Our eyes lock, no words said. Nothing can fix the deafening silence that has just smothered us. I watch as she looks down at her coffee. Watching as it ripples as the table shakes gently. She grips tighter around the ceramic cup. Her eyes downcast, she looks up at me again. Once again our gazes meet. This time her eyes are full of emptiness. No emotion, no pain, tears don't seem to be an option right now. She looks at me, knowing words won't bring her solace, I carefully place my hand over hers. She looks around the diner, its vacant. One waitress stands at the counter doodling. For a moment both our eyes set upon her. Just for the sake of something to hold on too.  
  
"Does Chuck know?" I ask breaking the painful silence. She nods her head, looking back at me I see the emotion I was waiting for. A single tear escape, it traces its way down her cheek. Leaving a trail of its pain behind its self, before finding its home above Susan's lip. She wipes away the tear. They weren't trying. Its just happened, she was so thrilled when she found out. Now, all her dreams are gone. Drowned in a sea of misery and rejection. Where so many of our dreams lay. Never to be thought of again, only bring pain when we do.   
  
"I would have come... If you talked to me last night, I would have been there." She nods, biting on her bottom lip. Fighting back the tears. They slowly make their way down her cheek, I reach my hand forward, capturing one on my index finger. She buries her head in her hands.   
  
"I feel so stupid." She manages through sobs, "I- I am crying over something I didn't have, something I didn't think I wanted." She wipes her hands over her face, smearing her running mascara.   
  
"Because... For a while," I pause, watching as her body shakes with sobs. "You were part of it, it was part of you..." My voice cracks... She lifts her head up, the pain that once was sketched upon her soft features has now been replaced with anger.  
  
"How can you say that?" I lean back in my seat, startled not knowing what she is about to do or say. I watch as her features transform, her eyes glossy, yet the anger and hatred she has suddenly developed for me is quite evident. "After what you..." Her voice trails off, unable to utter the words. She stands up looking at me.  
  
"Susan-" I start, she shakes her head. Leaving the diner, the door slamming against its worn out frame. The sound echoing in my ears.   
  
She's right.   
  
"Its for you-" I look up from the chart I am looking over. Frank shoves the phone at me. I release an exasperated sigh and speak into the receiver.  
  
"Hello-"  
  
"Ms. Lockhart?"   
  
"Yes, this is she." Giving my full attention to the unknown speaker on the other end.   
  
"This is your sons Taytes school. He isn't feeling well, could you come and pick him up?" I look down at my watch, remembering Tayte's constant annoyance this morning. 'Mommy, I don't want to go to school. I want to go with you and daddy. I don't feel good, honest.' I sigh, rubbing my forehead.   
  
"He's not really sick." I don't need to deal with this right now. I look up to see Chuck passing by. His eyes focusing on nothing in particular, a lost look apparent on his face. A smile forces its self onto my lips. He does the same, I signal for him to wait for one moment.   
  
"Ms. Lockhart, he disgorged all over his desk." The lady says a little irritated.   
  
"Okay, I'll come get him." I hang up the phone glancing at my watch, Donnie's presentation starts in an hour. Crap. Then I have to work. This is not turning out to be a good day.   
  
"Hey." I say softly, we close the distance. His smile long gone by now. A miserable smirk lays across his lips. I know his type, they try to make the best out of every situation. Not possible, not this time. His hand makes his way up to his brow. His fingers pushing the skin together.   
  
"She was pretty pissed when she got home. Things not go to well?" I look up at him, his eyes filled with unshed tears. I shake my head no, biting down on my bottom lip. "Its hard you know. It all it is. But we can't take time to grieve. We have to keep going." I nod knowingly. A single tear threatens to fall, hanging on by a single lash.   
  
"We can, we can take the kids if you want." I offer.   
  
"You have to work."   
  
"Donnie is off after the presentation. We can take them tonight- give you two..." He looks at me, my mouth hangs open, preparing to finish my sentence.   
  
"Thank you Abby." I nod, pulling him into an awkward hug. He pushes off of me and out of the automatic doors. I watch as his sullen figure walks out of sight. I did the best I could to assuage the pain, with both of them. I seemed to have failed. Yet, this time its not about me.   
  
"Frank, I have to go pick up my son from school." I say, not giving him a moment to come up with a clever retort about 'my bastard son.'   
  
The way to Taytes school seems short. My mind is lost in a swarm of thoughts. None of them pleasant. This day started off much better then it seems to be finishing. Sadly its only ten o'clock or so. At first, I thought the topic of conversation would be Donnie and I, yah I know, how selfish. It seemed to be her main focus yesterday. I wonder when it started, last night most likely. So unexpected. I just wish, I wish I could have been there for her. I know she is upset with me right now, not that I think it will last. It was a moment, a moment of sheer pain, she needed to lash out at someone. I'd be that someone for her, just like she would for me. I get off of the train, my thoughts encompassing me. No way out of my own head. None of them involving me. Well, a few, but I push them to the side. I wish I could do something to help Susan, that's impossible, she has to recover on her own. Let time heal all pain. Although, there will still be a scar. Over time the gash will slowly fade, scabbing then fading into a scar, that is only evident on the heart, but only when you look closely. Into her eyes. It will be there.   
  
I push threw the doors of the elementary school, I head towards the office. My son bounces off the chair, immediately clutching his stomach after he does so. Obviously that did not appear to be the best decision.   
  
"Mommy." He says in a scratchy voice. I lean down to his level, picking him up off the chair. His arms encircle my neck.   
  
"How yah, feeling?" I whisper into his ear.   
  
"Sick." He croaks. "I blew chunks." Thanks, Tayte.  
  
"I don't need a picture painted for me, Taters." He laughs lightly into my ear. I put him down, feeling his warm forehead. Maybe he really is sick. He did throw up.  
  
"Mrs. Lockhart." I look over my shoulders, only to meet the eyes of the frumpy secretary. "Here are Tayte's belongings. I grab his knapsack, then pick him back up.  
  
"Thank you." She nods, and I follow her into the office to sign him out. His fingers tangle in my hair as I sign the book. We leave the building, and Tayte rests his tiny head on my shoulder.  
  
"You're going to have to sleep with us tonight, if you're sick, Tayte."   
  
"Why?" He furrows his brow, I can tell this idea doesn't bother him, but he always lets his curiosity get the best of him.   
  
"Baxter and Kory are coming over." He grins widely, I wonder if someone is suddenly feeling better.   
  
"Yeah, Baxter is my best friend."  
  
"I know, they will sleep in your bed."   
  
"Ew, Kory's a girl."   
  
"Get over it."   
  
I make my way into the presentation, the room crowded with people. A stuffy heat fills the air. My least favourite kind of heat. I manage to find a seat next to Sam. She smiles at me, I look around finding Donnie talking to some man.   
  
"Has he started yet?" I lean in closer to Sam. She shakes her head 'no.' I watch as he gets everything prepared. He looks nervous and bored. A deadly combination for a guy like Donnie. That means he may not follow the plan play-by-play. He will add lib. Nothing good can come from that. He turns around starting to speak, his voice echoes through the now still room. I lean back, preparing to have my 'common law, boyfriend' preach about the lack of accommodations in the ER, something I know all too well. I close my eyes, trying to listen to all the speeches, while deal with everything that seems to be taking toll in my life right now. I can't get Susan out of my mind. Maybe because similar things have happened to me. How do I tell her that? Can I? Maybe it would help her to know how I felt. Although she does know what happened, she never knew how I felt. How all of it affected me.   
  
I feel a soft nudging on my arm, only to see Sam looking over me. "Abby-" I look at her groggily, Great I fell asleep. Donnie will be thrilled.   
  
"I fell asleep?" She nods, wearing a smirk.   
  
"I was that boring?" I hear Donnie say annoyed, as he brushes past us. I sigh standing up, I try to follow him out of the room, but get lost in the masses. I manage to catch the same elevator as him. He glances down at me, as I squish my way past people.   
  
"I'm sorry-" I start, but he doesn't let me finish.   
  
"Its fine."  
  
"Donnie-"  
  
"Don't worry about it Abby." He scoffs, looking straight ahead, as the numbers flash there way down.   
  
"Susan, she uh- miscarried." I whisper. He looks down at me, suddenly sympathetic. "She got upset with me. But that's besides the point. Anyways, I told Chuck we would take the kids for the night. You know, just give them time." He nods understandingly. "Tayte is here too. He's sick, puked." I sigh. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, leading me out of the elevator. "I'm sorry, about-"  
  
"Yeah, don't worry. We'll talk later. You go- go see Tayte." He walks over to admin, as I walk towards the lounge. I stop in the doorframe, watching as he converts with some of the staff. He runs his fingers through his hair, lazily. I sigh, pushing through the door.  
  
Review Responses  
  
Jane- Hey, that's just the first chapter, don't jump to conclusions. Thanks for reviewing.   
  
JulianToo- I, honestly, have yet to decide what exactly is going to happen in this story. Thanks for reviewing. (I do admit those stories are over done.)  
  
carbytothecore-ga-ba-dee, to you too. I will update as often as possible. Thanks for the review.  
  
hyperpiper91- Heh, thanks, I will do my best to keep people interested.Thanks for reviewing.  
  
tars- Or will he make an enterance? Heh. Thanks for reviewing.   
  
rizzo1- You're welcome! I will try to get you more. Thanks for reviewing.   
  
CarbyFan100- Yeah, All Is Lost, was weird. Definetly, the weirdest thing for me to write. Mostly because I had no clue wehre it was going. So I didn't really have any clue how I wanted it written, that really makes it difficult. Thanks for reviewing. 


	3. Finding My Peace

Authors Note- Sorry, I meant for this one to be quicker, but things happened this week, preventing that from happening. Anways heres the chapter. I didn't get around to responding to reviews, I'll try next time. But, I read them, and loved them. Thank you all.   
  
Rating- PG 13, minor language.   
  
Disclaimer- I'm just here writing from my yacht in the Caribbean, that I bought with the money I banked from writing ER. Yeah Right, I wish. As usual, not mine.   
  
Summary- Previously on Picking Up the Pieces... Susan had a miscarrige, got pissed at Abby for an unkown reason (or was it???) and left. Donnie did a presentation, which was boring enough to put Abby to sleep. Tayte got sick so Abby picked him up. Oh, Abby took in Susan and Chucks kids for the night...  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"Hey Tayte." He looks up at me from his spot on the couch. A blanket thrown over his legs, a pillow at his head. The thermometer rests on the table beside the couch.   
  
"Hi, Mommy." He says tiredly, I walk over to him, careful to avoid the can of his stomach contents that rests below his head. A foul smell filling the air. I tie a knot in the plastic bag, and leave it in the bucket for a moment, while I talk to my son. I signal for him to move his head up, he does so. I sit down, he rests his head against my legs, I play with his hair. Sweat falling from his forehead.   
  
"You not feeling so good?" I say sympathetically. He shakes his head no. "Daddy, is going to take you home okay?" He nods. I stand up, throwing the plastic bag into the garbage and slamming the lid shut. Tayte sits up, I put his jacket around him, zipping him up. He pulls me into a hug as I hoist him up, and take him out of the lounge.   
  
"I told you I was sick." He rubs it in.   
  
"I know, I'm sorry." He nuzzles his head into my neck. "Parents can make mistakes too, sometimes."   
  
"Oh." Is all he can say. I look down at him, a small smile on his pale face. I hate seeing my son sick. I can't help it, every time I look at him I feel a pang of guilt. What could have happened, how lucky I am to have him. I squeeze him tighter, his yelp prompts me to loosen my grip. I push through the lounge doors, Donnie turns to face us, giving me a look at the man he was conversing with. Our eyes meet, locking, I try to break the contact, but it is impossible. My arms protectively tighten around Tayte. Donnie disregards the man, and the awkwardness of the moment, although the tension is palpable, he seems to miss it. Men.   
  
"Hey." He leans forward pecking me quickly, before taking Tayte from me. I can feel his eyes burn into the back of my neck. Donnie, adjusts Tayte in his arms, Taytes head now lays on Donnie's shoulder. I avoid him at all cost, figuring we can talk later, right now I need to make sure my son gets home safe. I can feel about a hundred eyes on us. Every member of the ER seems to be huddled around the admin desk waiting to see what will erupt.   
  
"Bye, Mommy. I love you." Tatye leans in hugging me tightly, I kiss him quickly on the forehead before watching Donnie take him home. I am hesitant to turn around, know what, or rather, who, awaits me. I close my eyes tightly, hoping to disappear, or at least the crowd disappear. Gossip, the most popular past time at County General, and unfortunately, I seem to be the topic today.   
  
"Okay, people. Let's go, back to work!" The crutch bangs around the desk, the flock of people rush off to other areas of the hospital, still whispering about his arrival, and my surprise. I turn around, he's still there, staring. Watching. Shit. I start to walk towards him, a look of shock written across his features. His brow furrowed, I can still read his features after all these years. Anger is evident. There is a mixture of others too. I can't tell, exactly what they are. The years have aged him, but his handsome features are still evident. My heart still skips a beat when I see him, but I remember every hateful word he ever uttered, which seems to cause a pang in my stomach. I manage to walk my way over there, despite the constant shaking of my knees and my unsteady breaths. We are face to face, I watch the past flash before us, a movie, a black and white one, no sound. His hand trails through his hair, his eyes on mine. We don't have to speak, I know what he is thinking. He stares at me a second longer, before breaking the tense air.   
  
"Hi." Its simple, unlike us. But what else is there to say? So many painful words etched into the depths of our relationship. There is no going back now. No taking back everything we ever did to one another. My new life obvious to him, his not so much to me. I don't know anything about him anymore, everything could have changed, he could have changed. Everything, but his soul. He will always be John Carter. I know the real John Carter, the one who said the most wonderful things, then turned around and broke my heart. My trust level is not soaring for this man, let me tell you.  
  
"Hey." He watches my every movement, the way my hands fiddled uncomfortably with my scrub top. I watch as he wrings his hands, folding them, only to unfold them. We each bare the same nervous feelings.   
  
"How have you been?" He asks bitterly. Now I see it. Its clear as day, everything.   
  
"Good." I answer nonchalantly. He nods, his face angry, hurt, bitter.   
  
"Good." He sighs, a small smirk playing along his lips, he doesn't want to stay, he's looking for a way out. "I've got to go- This foundation thing." I nod, he turns and walks away, shaking his head.   
  
"John-" He stops dead in his tracks unable to believe what I just did. Hell, so am I. But I am different, I am trying to confront my fears and situations I'd rather skirt. He slowly turns his body, we face each other, one last time.   
  
"You what to go for coffee?" I ask. He looks at me, nodding.  
  
"Yeah, sure. When?" I mull this over, not today. I need time to plan exactly what I am going to say. I need him to know the answers to every single question he is going to bombard me with. Its not going to be simple. It will most likely be the hardest thing either of us will have to do. We will be confronting our pasts. Something we both thought we left behind.   
  
"Tomorrow."   
  
"Not tonight?"  
  
"I have to get home to Tayte."   
  
"Okay, I am only in Chicago till tomorrow night-"  
  
"Midday." He nods accepting my offer. I walk over to admin desk resting my head in my hands. I can't believe I am actually going to go through with this. After not thinking about it for six years, trying to avoid the subject completely I am actually going to face it head on. I went over this conversation in my mind, when things changed. I must of gone over a hundred different ways this could go. None went well. I know he won't want just an explanation either. He will want to find his way into my heart, dig down deep, psychoanalyse me if you will. But a lot about me has changed, not who I truly am, but things that were issues in my life back then have faded away. I thank Donnie for that. His faith in me set me on the right track. The blaring ring of the phone brings me out of my thoughts. I answer it, although its the clerks job, getting out of my own head would be nice right now.   
  
"Hello."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Susan." I say startle, excited to hear her voice. I cradle the phone between my left ear and shoulder. She sounds tired, and as though she's been crying, I can't blame her for either. I sigh, so relieved to hear my best friends voice. I can't stand it when she's mad at me. Although I know its because she's upset at the moment. Although I would rather her cry on my shoulder. I want to comfort her.   
  
"I'm sorry- about-"  
  
"Don't worry about it." I cut her off. She can behave how ever she needs too. I'll be the one she runs too or the one she kicks. Either or, I just want to be there for her in any way possible. "You can talk to me. I will be there in a second, any time you need me." I can hear a light sob into the phone, it breaks my heart. Why do some people wind up accidentally have kids, and not wanting them. Others end up loosing them. Loosing someone they would have loved so dearly. I know Susan, she would have loved this child just as much as she loves Kory and Baxter.   
  
"Thanks." I smile a little.   
  
"Want me to come over after my shift?"   
  
"No, you taking Baxter and Kory is great. Thanks. Chuck will pick them up tomorrow."   
  
"Any time." She sniffles a bit. I can hear her murmur a bye, then hang up the phone, I leave it resting on my shoulder. I wish I could do something for her, like bring that baby back. Take all her pain away. A few days ago she was the regular light hearted, sarcastic Susan. Today, her world is falling down around her. I know how she feels, well maybe not to the same extent. Still.   
  
The keys jangle as they hit the table...That table...That sound...I freeze in my spot, recalling that night, the one night I had been trying for so long to block out of my mind. I had walls built up, one by one, each block carefully constructed, pushing away the pain. Blocking it off, pleading with myself to forget. Then in came Donnie, slowly each block was taken down, bit by bit every story, every burden, every lost memory, every abandoned dream, was flooding through, overwhelming me. Drowning me in a sea of pain, I fought to build again, construct the perfect barrier, but he wouldn't let me. Before I knew it I was back in med school and holding my beautiful baby. The walls have been shattered, at one point I thought I would never expose myself. Then in waltz Carter, his clumsy way won me over. His cheeky, lopsided, crooked grin caused me to wear one of my own. I thought he was the one. He wasn't. The walls were taken down, just for him. Because he wanted it, but not for long, he wouldn't stand by me, not like I had needed him too. Soon he was gone. Now here I stand reminiscing realising that whatever I had done to better myself, when I was with Carter, was for Carter. Whatever I had done when- while, I'm with Donnie, has been for me. He has just given me the courage and held my hand while it happens. He's my saviour. No matter what I can't forget it.   
  
"Hey-" I look up, jolted out of my thoughts by a pyjama clad Donnie. His hair dishevelled from sleep. A smile upon his lips, bring one to mine.  
  
"Hey." I mimic, he walks closer to me, engulfing me in a hug. Tearing my worries away and replacing them with hope. I rest my head upon his chest, taking in his scent, memorizing everything about him. Just in case one day, one day he comes to his senses and leaves me, he will be engraved in my memory. I hope he never comes to his senses.   
  
"You look like you've had a rough day." He smoothes my hair down, his smile never leaving his face. I nod my head against his chest, taking a moment to look up at him.   
  
"Want to tell me about it?" I shake my head, sighing a little. I know that eventually I will have to tell him, eventually it will all be out on the table. I just hope he can be strong for me when it is. I hope he can stand by me, help me face my demons, our demons.   
  
"I love you." I murmur, he chuckles lightly into my hair, planting kisses along my hairline. Soon he is taking me into the bedroom, our fingers intertwined, laced together, joined in unity as one. His fingers dance along mine, sitting me down on the bed. Slowly my shoes and socks are being throw to the floor. My clothes are the next to go, being replaced by a warm sweater and sweat pants. We crawl into bed together, his arms finding my waist, my head his chest. Together we are perfect. Well, close enough.   
  
"I'm sorry." I mumble, into the darkness. He knows what I am talking about.   
  
"Its okay, you were listening in someway." I laugh. The silence engulfs us once more, my eyes flutter close, only to open slightly, staring at the lone light that waivers on our curtain.   
  
"The guy you were speaking to is him. John Carter." 


	4. Meeting

Authors Note- Sorry, it has been a LONG time, since I've written anything for this fic. But I just wanted to say, to who ever may still be reading, that I am not done with it. Far from finished actually. I have another two fics on the go too, both with AbbyLockhart2... and I have homework on top of that, and school... hockey season is almost over, so I will have a little more time. Anyways, thanks to the people who have reviewed, it means a lot to me.  
  
Chapter Three  
  
"Parents are suppose to stay home with their sick children..." I roll my eyes, leaning down to tuck the covers closer around him. He grabs my hand and plants a kiss on it. "I love you mommy." He grins, typical Tayte, sucking up.   
  
"I can't stay home Tayte. Mrs. Johnson, will be here." I explain, sitting down at the end of the bed. He rolls his eye, once again. A habit, I wish I didn't pass down to him. I run my fingers along his arm, in a comforting manner.   
  
"But mom, she smells." I laugh lightly, well, yeah. But there is nothing I can do about that, and Donnie and I have to go to work, so he's shit out of luck. I reach forward, planting a soft kiss upon his forehead.   
  
"I love you." I say, as I leave his room. Closing the door tightly behind me. Mrs. Johnson smiles and us, then sits down on the couch with her sewing, or knitting, whatever the hell she is doing today. I just hope her smell is not embedded in my couch. Donnie, takes my hand, leading me out of the apartment. We wave one last time, then he laughs wrapping his arm around my waist.   
  
"It'll be fine." He assures me.   
  
"Oh, I'm not worried about Tayte. I'm worried what he might do to her. You know him, he's, well, he's you." He laughs, a deep throaty laugh, while taking his arm back, to replace it with his hand in my hand. I smile a bit, moments like these are ones that reassure me, that even through the bad times, we'll persevere through. Our love is just that strong. I rest my head on his shoulder, as he leads me to the L.   
  
"So..." He breaks the silence, I look up at his, now serious, eyes. The playfulness is gone, the happiness, they once held has been replaced by a serious stare. One that he does not wear often, but when he does, I know how he is feeling, and I know that things will be strained until the 'said problem' is fixed. "Are you going to tell him."  
  
"Way to break the mood, Donnie." I sarcastically spit, taking my hand back.   
  
"Abby-" He says in a sing song warning tone. I know, I know its the right thing to do. I tried to do it six years ago, but couldn't. I couldn't find him. He left. He left without a trace. I searched for him, called the Mansion, called his fathers house, his mothers house. Everywhere. I once got a hold of his girlfriend, at the time, and she yelled at me. Calling me heartless, and a bitch, many variations of those two words, nothing I hadn't heard before. I tried to do it then, I had the courage to do it then. Now I am just not sure I want to dig up the past, a painful past. One I hadn't touched for a while.   
  
"I will, okay, I will today... Or tomorrow." I sigh, he shakes his head at me. I know what he is thinking now, and he confirms it with his words.   
  
"He has a right to know." Ah, those words, those fateful words. Yeah, when he left me, so I lead him on, believing I did something I ended backing out of. Maybe I didn't deserve him, and I still probably don't. I don't deserve him or his forgiveness, I don't deserve Donnie either, but I got him. So maybe John will give me something I need right now, something I needed seven years ago, forgiveness.   
  
"I am meeting him for coffee today," I tell him. Although I have thought of about a billion excuses to get me out of it. The thought of sitting there with him, rehashing the past, will do one of two things. Make me cry and make him hate me, or make me fall madly in love with him all over again. For Donnie's sake, for my own sake, for Tayte's sake, I hope its the former. Tears and hate, have always been an easier thing to handle. When my heart gets involved, its deadly.   
  
The diner is crowded, buzzing with noise, people swarm the counter to retrieve their coffees. I see him, he catches my eye. I smile at him, he doesn't return the gesture, instead he sends a cold stare my way. I push my way over to his booth, our eyes meeting once again. He takes a sip of his coffee, and I do my best to read what he is thinking, its a challenge. Just like it was when he left. I guess I never really had a knack for reading him. Although I use to, like to believe I did, I didn't. I could never tell exactly what he was thinking or feeling, despite my best efforts. "Hey." I try to break the silence, that will at least be easier then the tension. Which I'm sure, I could cut with a butcher knife. He nods his head at me, proceeding to take another, more like a gulp this time, of his coffee. The tension is definitely palpable. "John-" I try again, but he shakes me off.   
  
"Listen, Abby. Just say whatever you want to say, I don't think I can take much more of this." I look at him puzzled. This what does he mean, exactly?  
  
"What are you talking about?" I stare him in the eye, not letting him break my gaze, it will only give him a chance to cover up what he is really thinking, that wouldn't be a good thing. Not for us, we have spent to much of our time together hiding from one another, and seven years later here we sit. Distance separated us for so long. Maybe if we had been honest from the beginning, this conversation would be totally different.   
  
"You can have someone else's child, but not mine?" He practically spits it at me, the anger and hurt now shining through. I look deep into his eyes, they once held so much concern, and worry for others, now they are hollow and empty. He is not the man he use to be. Something has changed him, I have a feeling I contributed to that change. I reach out to hold his pale hand, but he moves it to his lap.   
  
"That's why I wanted to talk to you." He looks at me, the hollowness is still there, but now, I see a flicker of hope. Something, that obviously, hasn't been there for a while. 


	5. Lying Truths

Author's Notes:: I am officially taking over from this point forward... Be afriad.. Be very afriad....And please review.. It makes my day!! 0o  
  
I sit and nervously play with my cup. I mean I got myself into this situation, now I need to get myself out. I can feel his eyes burning through me, but I can't escape from him. He's the one that escaped from me, I'm not going to be like him. I'd do everything opposite of him. I have a good life, I have a man who loves me and a son. Why did he need to show up? I would be much happier if he hadn't ever come back. I run my hands through my hair. I pull on the ends, I would like to pull it all out at this point.   
  
"Abby."  
  
His voice sounds authoritative, almost scary. He shoots me back into reality. He sighs gently, the look of anger and annoyance permanently etched on his face. He fidgets with his watch, probably worth more money than I will ever make in my life. He's changed. I don't think he'll really care anymore. He's probably got a wife and kids somewhere, there's a ring on his finger. I take a deep breath, I have no clue how this going to come out. This is probably the weirdest conversation I've ever had. How do I tell him? How do I break the news to the others? To Donnie? To Carter? To Tayte?  
  
"My son... He's grown up knowing Donnie as his father, and for all I know, Donnie is his father."  
  
He leans back, obviously made angrier by the recent turn of events. I can't tell him. I can get around this, right? I mean a white lie never hurt anyone. I've told him the truth, Donnie is my love, and my son's father. He needs to know this. We can't go back to how it used to be, and forget everything between us. We cant' be like old friends and try talking. That could have happened seven days after our fight, not seven years. He's changed, I've changed, the world has changed.   
  
"I need to go."  
  
I nod my head as he gathers his coat. He leaves a bill on the table for the coffee and a tip. He gives me one last disappointed glace before he starts off towards the door.   
  
"But biologically he's yours."  
  
He's suddenly standing in front of me, pulling nervously on his sleeves. He's starring at me, and I'm starring at the stain on the table from the coffee. It didn't go as badly as I expected. Now I just need to tell Donnie that. I don't think he'll react quite as calmly. Although I really haven't seen Carter react yet either.   
  
"What?"  
  
I look up at him, pushing my hair behind my ears. God he's handsome. I never noticed it before. The features of his face have been outlined with age, his hair is starting to sport a few grey stands. His eyes, his eyes always were able to pull me in. No. Stop it. He's not yours. He's married. He's off happy with some blonde. Leave him alone. You've got such a great thing. Let things be.   
  
"He's biologically yours. But you are as much of a father to him as my father was to me. I don't want you in his life."  
  
Its my turn to leave. I stand up, leaving him spellbound, staring at me. Its my turn to make an attempt out the door, and I'm actually successful. The cold wind bites me in the face, and I start back toward my home and my sick son. I don't make it half a block before I'm violently grabbed, the attacker well known to me. A shot of pain flows through my arm and reaches my head. I push him away.   
  
"Its not your choice to make."  
  
I turn back around heading toward the L. I know this isn't the end. I know he's going to follow me. I know I'm going to lose custody of him if he chooses to try. God, it would have all been so much easier seven years ago.  
  
"It is my choice! You fucking ran away!"   
  
I start a quicker pace and realize he's not following me anymore. I turn around gently and see he's standing in the same spot where I left him. I almost break out into a run toward the L steps. I need to get away from him. I want to be with my son and no one else. I don't need anyone else to be happy. I need my baby, that's all.   
  
I lie with my arm protectively covering Tayte's body. I got home and I just couldn't focus, everything that just happened blurred together. I decided to lie down with Tayte, he's still got a fever, but he's able to eat. My poor baby, I hate seeing him sick. I wish I could take everything away from him, and have him live a sheltered, painless life. I know that's not possible, but I wish it was. I pull him even closer to me, he's snoring slightly, he definitely has a cold. I push the strands of brown hair away from his eyes. He needs to get that cut. He looks like the spitting image of Eric at this age. I put my head back down on the pillow, my neck and back are killing me. My eyes somehow manage to close, I doubt I'll fall asleep. Sleep hasn't been nice to me. If I do want to sleep, I need to work. And when I need to work, I want to sleep. It's not fair. At all. I hear a soft knocking at the door. It's probably Donnie. He forgets his keys every other day. I seriously need to super glue those damn things to him.   
  
I start to get up, of course it doesn't work that way. Tayte grabs onto my arm and doesn't let go. Damn you, you little monster. I swear to god, Tayte, in twenty years when you're president, you're paying my chiropractic bill. I pull him into my arms and he wraps his hands around my neck. His head rests on my shoulder. I'm holding him by his legs and butt so he won't fall out of my grasp. I make my way slowly to the door. I have an added burden of about sixty pounds. Donnie knows it takes me forever to get to the door sometimes. I think I should set up a sofa and a coffee machine out there so he's not bored while he waits for me to get to the damn thing.   
  
I hold Tayte close as I turn the first and second locks. I finally manage to open the door and I start to swing it open. Donnie will follow me inside. I take a quick glance back before I turn around. It's not Donnie. 


	6. Questions and Answers

I hold Tayte closer to me, I'm not letting him. He looks up, but then puts his head back down on my shoulder. I stop, halted in my tracks. I didn't think today would be the last of him, but I also didn't think he would come to my home looking for me. He stands uncomfortably in front of me, hands in his pockets, an awkward expression on his face. I wish I didn't have to see him. I mean things would be so much easier. I move the door open a little more, no time like the present, right? He looks at Tayte, I can see a small smile forming on his lips. I pull him even closer to me, no you're not getting him. He walks in and stands to the side, as I walk to the door and shut it. I wish Donnie had left some of my walls up, because I could probably protect myself. He knows me better than I know myself, we're perfect together. I don't need Carter. He's a painful memory from a past I'd rather forget. I run my hand up and down Tayte's back. I motion Carter toward the living room as I walk away with Tayte. I get into our bedroom and place him on the bed. I pull a blanket over him and he starts to grab my hand.   
  
"Mommy's got to talk to that man. It's about a patient. Go back to sleep, I'll be back in second, baby."  
  
He nods his head and starts to close his eyes as I walk out the door. I take a deep breath before walking into the room. He's sitting, staring out the window. We've got a great view, that's a primary reason Donnie and I chose this apartment. We can see the entire city from our little next. It's so beautiful at night. I walk to the chair next to him, and sit down. I cross my legs and shift my body away from him. I don't know why I do it, it's just a habit if I really don't want someone there. Donnie picked up on it. He knows if I sit like that, he just leaves. He's the one who pointed it out in the first place. I run my hand through my hair and then rest my arm in my lap. I lean forward, resting my elbow on my knee, my head resting on my hand. He looks at me, neither one of us knows how to begin this.   
  
"Are you two married?"  
  
I shake my head gently from side to side. I mean the question has come up so many times between us, I just didn't want to get stuck in a marriage then regret it later on. Donnie has been divorced too, and he knows everything that everyone goes through, and we didn't want to put Tayte through it all. At this point in time, I would probably say yes. If we've made it through seven years, I think we can handle about seventy, although I doubt I'll live till about a hundred and twenty or however you want to figure math.   
  
"Are you?"  
  
I see him shake his head this time. Well that answers the question about the ring finger. I guess he put it on to ward of gold-diggers or anybody else that could try to hit on him. I lean back into my seat, crossing my arms in front of me loosely.   
  
"What do you want, Carter?"  
  
I'm not in the mood to do the little dance we always used to do. We'd shift around each other's emotions, searching for weak spots. We'd try to find a place where one of us was most vulnerable and attack to get answers. I'm not in the mood for any of it. I've become a lot more direct. If something's bothering me, I'll say it outright. I'm sick of dealing with him. I hadn't thought of him in years, and now suddenly he's become a part of my life again and I don't want it. I may not be completely happy, but complete happiness is a lie. I'm in love with Donnie, I have a son that makes my day happier, I have a job, friends. I'm okay. I'm making it. I can't regret anything.  
  
"I want to see my son."  
  
I automatically jump up, call it a mother's intuition. I reflexively head toward the hallway near our door. He's not getting anywhere near him. Donnie and I have raised him since he was born. He knows no other man in his life. Donnie doesn't even know that Tayte's not his. I don't have the heart to tell him. I doubt it would break the bond they share, but it would break my heart. I'd rather not let it be known to them.   
  
"That's not an option."  
  
He follows me to my standing position, before I know it he's centimeters in front of me, his deep brown eyes begging me to give him some hope in this life. I don't think things have been easy for him, but hell they haven't been easy for me either. I don't want us. It's too complicated, too complex, a maze that I'm not getting stuck in another time. I don't want him getting involved in our lives. Donnie, Tayte, and I are just fine. I see him start to bite on his bottom lip, I can tell he's trying to hold back tears.   
  
I don't know what just happened, I was just standing there, and then suddenly I was a millimeter away from him, my lips against his sweet ones. That was a mistake, a long, painful mistake that I know I'm going to have to regret for the rest of my life. No, he needs to get out, he needs to leave and never come back. I can barely see him in the dimly lit hallway. I can only feel his heart beating and hear his gentle breaths. His hand skims along my face. I cringe back at the touch. He moves closer, I try to move back but my bodies rooted to the floor, a shelf behind me. I'm trapped.   
  
Our lips meet again, sending a jolt of electricity through my body. His lips are like a poison, an addictive poison that will surely kill me in the end. His hands wrap around my waist, and his tongue pushing into my mouth. The world is dark and dim. Nothing is around me but air. He's hungry, the way he can't get close enough to me. The way he's pulling me toward him, the way his tongue battles fiercely with mine, the way the tears stream down his cheeks and end up on mine.  
  
I hear a soft click a million miles away and I push him off me. No. Donnie's home. Goddamn it. Why tonight? Why ever? Why did he need to come here, he could have called, we could have met in a public place where none of this would have happened. He shoots me a look, and I walk past him, pulling him along with me into the kitchen. I walk to the other end, leaving him where I dropped him. Donnie's footsteps echo through the house and he sees the two of us in the kitchen. He walks toward us, and I motion him inside. He walks toward me, a smile etched upon his face. He places a kiss on my cheek, and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.   
  
"Donnie this is Carter, I think you have met before."  
  
They both nod their heads in union and reach out and shake hands. I push Donnie off me carefully. I see the look forming on Carter's face. I search for the clock, looking for an excuse to get out of this situation. I promised Susan I would take her shift tonight. I should probably start heading toward the hospital. I can say her shift starts at seven instead of nine and manage to get an hour and a half or so of time to myself. I start to shift toward the door.   
  
"I promised to take Susan's shift, so I should probably get going."  
  
Donnie nods his head at me, but doesn't let me go. I'm getting a strange feeling from him, and I have no clue what it's supposed to mean. I think it's my guilty conscience overreacting, but with me, you can never be sure. I start to walk away, but he doesn't let me go. I see Carter watching this from the corner of his eyes. He's growing uncomfortable. He's uncomfortable? What about me? What if Donnie kisses me and tastes him on my lips?   
  
"Abby, I have a question . . . "  
  
I'm free of his grasp, but I turn around and look at him. He gives me a short smile and I shoot him a quizzical look. He's shifting nervously from foot to foot. I can almost picture Carter doing the same thing across the room. Okay, so what did I do now? Is he still pissed about me falling asleep during his conference?   
  
"Marry me?" 


	7. Turn of Events

_**Author's Notes**: I'm have way too much fun writing this fic. This chapter is sorta long. But I don't think anyone will complain ? Anyways please read and review?! I'd really really appreciate it!!!_  
  
I'm holding the cigarette between my fingers. It tastes like crap. I haven't had a cigarette in almost six years, and he shows up. Now I'm left searching for my box out of habit. It's like he never left. Except I'm not going to go running for a drink after all this. I'm going to go home and collapse in Donnie's arms. Why do I keep putting myself through this? I mean he's gone. I forgot him the day he left. He wasn't strong enough to deal with me. I figured he would leave. But then again, I also thought Donnie would leave. He's still here. He's much stronger than Carter. He's also better looking, but that's besides the point. I just can't keep doing this. The only light is the orange glow from the tip. I'm standing a few feet away from him as he sits on the bench. Whose idea was it to come outside and talk in the middle of the night? Oh yeah, right, his. He couldn't sleep, or so he says. I don't even know what he expects from me. We've been out here almost ten minutes and neither of us has said a word.   
  
"Why didn't you say yes?"  
  
Funny question, is that what you're worried about? Whether or not I'm going to slip through your fingers and marry Donnie? Well guess what, I've slipped through your fingers. I don't know if I'm going to marry Donnie. I know I would be content, but I don't know if I would necessarily be happy. I might. I have to talk to Tayte first. I mean Tayte knows no other father. Donnie doesn't even know Tayte's not really his. I don't think it would affect him as much. It's just a piece of paper for the both of us. We're mommy and daddy to him since he was born. We're in love, by everyone's standards. I keep getting harassed by Susan. It wouldn't be so bad.   
  
"I said we'd talk about it. It gets more complicated with Tayte involved."  
  
Tayte comes first and foremost in both our lives since the day I told him I was pregnant. Donnie stayed with me through everything, even though he probably didn't have to. He could of up and left any time he wanted. But he stayed, and I'm glad he did. He's a wonderful father. Tayte absolutely adores him. Donnie and I will make up over anything if Tayte gets involved. We seem like the perfect family from the outside, and we almost are. I might be the one that ruins everything, but I don't know what else to do. If Tayte was not part of our lives, and we somehow managed to make it seven years, I would not hesitate to marry him. Yet, with Tayte involved, divorces are so sloppy. I don't think that Donnie would want a divorce. He's the product of one. He knows how hard it is on everyone involved especially children. He would stay with me, even if everything we shared was gone and we couldn't stand each other for the sake of our son.   
  
"You won't say yes."  
  
He's really turned into a product of his society. What a moron. He thinks he can talk me into anything, that I'm going to go dropping at his feet because he's got millions up the ass and enough power to rule half of Chicago if he wished. I'm sorry. It might scare some naive little girl, but definitely not me. I knew him before he became like this. I knew the old John Carter, the one I fell in love with. He's changed, for the worse. I remember him, young and un relentless. He hated to go to his grandmother's gala's or functions. He hated when someone would ask him if he had money. He wanted to be considered normal. He was everything but. Now he comes back here, rich and powerful, and thinks he can control me too. I don't think that's happening. He should have caught me before Richard did. He could have molded me into his perfect socialite wife with three kids running around his legs. He doesn't even know me anymore. I doubt he ever did.   
  
"And you suddenly became the expert on my love life?"  
  
My sarcasm fills the silent air. I see him run his hands through his hair. Even in the dull light I can see the bags under his eyes. The "good life" taking its toll on you? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he was back on drugs. Everyone always complains that they'd like to have a few hundred million because then they could be happy. Money isn't everything. My prime example is sitting in front of me. He's got the cash, but he has no one to share it with. Unless you count the whores he probably has. Donnie and I, on the other hand, both work at County. We have enough to make ends meet and live a simple yet happy life. I couldn't ask for more. He's staring at me now. I can feel it. The atmosphere is so different between us than it was before. It's funny how a simple sentence can change things between us.   
  
"You don't love him."  
  
He's got some nerve. He knows nothing about the two of us, besides the fact that we've been together for seven years and we have a son. He doesn't know the lazy nights watching movies, or the walks down at the lake in the early morning. He doesn't know the way Donnie held me when I had to cry, and the way he nursed my broken heart back to life. He doesn't understand the way he can just look at me and know something's wrong. We never were that strong. I know half of it was my fault, I was too damn afraid to open up to him, but at this point in time, I'm glad I hadn't. He would have run away, and I would have been left destroyed and vulnerable.   
  
"I love him."  
  
My voice comes out strong and direct, he knows it's directed toward him. It probably stabs him like a hundred sharp knives. I shouldn't have said it. It was too much, too fast. Why do I care how he feels? Because he's probably right, my whole heart isn't with Donnie, it's partly with him. But what he doesn't know, can't hurt him. With time, I'll eventually get over him. He'll be nothing but a name and a pain. I throw the butt on the floor and watch it go out. I jab it with the edge of my foot and wrap my arms around myself. He's got a coat on. I've got my thin lab coat on with a sleeveless top. I'm freezing to death. Nice to know your also such a gentleman, Carter. I walk to the empty spot next to him and sit down. It's better than standing in the pathway of the wind.   
  
"You'll never change. You're lying again."  
  
I sit down on the wooden bench, leaning over to meet his eyes. What a sick son of a bitch. He's got a misconception of the world, and everyone in it. I feel sorry for him. I wrap my arms closer around my body and start to rock back and forth in an effort to keep warm. I'm still frozen to his gaze. I see him start to move in closer. No, this is not happening again. It should have never happened in the first place. I jump up and lean against the wall behind the bench. He gets up, obviously angry or frustrated, and begins to pace the ground in front of him, a repetitive motion etched with reassurance.   
  
"I'm glad Tayte never met you. I wouldn't want you as a father to my son."  
  
I watch him, he freezes in place. I think I've just knocked him from his pedestal. He knows it's the truth. I wouldn't want him near my son. He can destroy me, play with my heart, break me, kill me, do anything he wants to me, but he's keeping away from my son. I've deal with enough of the world to be able to take his torture. I've done enough to protect my son, and I will continue to do so. I see the pain forming on his face. We all live with pain, I've had my share, it's his turn. He made the choice to leave. I never made it for him. I was the one left to raise a baby on my own. I don't know if I would have been able to do it if Donnie hadn't been there. He sits back down, looking at me, the tears pooling his eyes.   
  
"You don't love him. I've seen you in love."  
  
I do love him. I might not be completely head over heels in love with him, but I love him. The love they talk about in fairy tales is a lie, the never-ending, always perfect love. It's impossible to achieve. I've got a good thing. I don't want to lose it all because of Carter. I loved him. I'm not going to deny it, there's no point in trying to deny it. But I've moved on, love fades, but the pain left never will. A permanent scar, but there's nothing I'm going to be able to do about but keep living.   
  
"With you, of all people, right?"   
  
He jumps up from his sitting position. He doesn't know what to do with himself anymore. Suddenly his mission in life had been destroyed. I think the reality of the situation has begun to sink in. He has a son he will never see. A son that will never know him for the real person he was. He would have made such a wonderful father, before everything that ever happened between us. Before he changed. I never saw myself as a mother, but here I am. So maybe fate plays a part in everything we do. He's standing near me, I can feel his warm breath against my cold skin, sending shivers down my spine. His hand reaches up to my face, grazing my skin, a split second, a blur of reactions, a tangle of lips, a venomous elixir.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
His voice is a whisper upon the mess of city sounds. His breathing is quick, mine's racing. What just happened? Why can't I grasp reality? What is he doing to me? Why is he doing this to me? This isn't happening. He's leaving tomorrow. You don't want yourself to love him. He's leaving tomorrow, leaving like he left you seven years before. You'll cry every night for months, you'll hurt and bleed, you'll tear yourself apart. Don't do this to yourself, Abby, don't do it. I push him away, he goes flying toward the bench, hitting the side. He winces in pain. I start off toward the ER, my pager going off at that exact moment. Damn it. It's Donnie. I hope nothing's wrong with Tayte.   
  
"There you go, running away again."  
  
I stop in my tracks. I can't believe I thought I actually loved him for a minute. He's an asshole. He's not worth any of my time. I never ran. I watched him run away from him when I begged him to stay. I wanted to talk things through. I wanted to work through our problems. He left. He didn't give a damn about me. I was some sort of conquest for him. See if he could change Abby, make her worthy of love. Hell, it could have been a thousand different other things. I'm not a picnic in the park. I know that much. But I have never run away from my problems. I learned that as a kid, they always come back to haunt you and you have to deal with them one way or another. I turn around. I'm more angry than anything else.   
  
"No, I"m walking away. You're the one that ran away. There's a difference."  
  
A major difference. He ran away. He ran away from everything without tying up loose ends. He's the one that got up and left, no note, no message, no phone call. I had no clue where to find him, or what happened to him. He could have died for all I could have known. I'm walking away. I'm at closure with everything that happened. I know what I'm leaving behind, and I know what's in front of me. I know where I want to go, and the choices I've mad are well thought out. I'm walking away from him, from pain and misery. I always had a feeling I would be the one to walk away. Or maybe I still need my closure. I don't know anymore.   
  
"You know what, I'm sick of this. Get out of my life. You left by your own choice. I was left five weeks pregnant and I was scared to death. Where the fuck were you then? Gone. Like you will be again. I erased you from my memory. You mean nothing to me. Tomorrow you're catching a plane to Paris, or London, or wherever the hell you are going, and I'm not going to see you for another few years."   
  
My voice echoes through the bay, hitting all the walls and resounding my words over and over again. He's left with a shocked expression on his face, watching me as I head toward the door. No more of this. I'm done with him.   
  
"You'll never be happy."  
  
I don't care what he says. He's nothing to me. I turn around one last time before breaking through the doors.   
  
"I'm already happy, I have a fiancee and a son that I love to death. You're the one left chasing some dream."  
  
He's standing in the middle of the empty ambulance bay in the dark. His dim figure is barely visible, his black coat forcing him into the shadows. If I reach out I doubt I would be able to touch him. Why does that bother me?   
  
"The same dream you have."

**Review Responses**  
  
_carbytothecore_:: Yea.. Well... It's Abby... Yes would be too easy...   
  
_Tracey_: I hate Carter myself... LOL I'm like what are you a moron? Take Donnie! For heaven's sake I would date him.. Too bad he's not real... 0o That could pose a problem... I'm weird.. But it's all good... LOL  
  
_AthleticCharmedOne:_ Yeah well, surprizes and turns are my specialty.. I hope you like so far!! 


	8. Let It Be Known: I'll Stay

**_Author's Notes:: Another chapter. Read and review please.. Thanks!!!_**

I drop my keys on the wooden table by the door and push my purse under the first compartment. It lands with a satisfying smack and I pull off my shoes. My feet are killing me, my back is killing me, and my head is pounding. I need a bottle of Advil. I think its going to take a bottle to get rid of all my aches. The sun is starting to peak through the blinds, even though the forecast called for rain. I see Donnie sitting in the living room, spread out with his papers on the sofa. I see Tayte sleeping on the love chair across from him, covered by a blanket. His mouth is slightly open and his arms are spread out. His eyes blink every few minutes, but we both know he's asleep. I walk over and sit down on the spot he's made for me. He plants a gentle kiss on my lips, and I wrap my arms around him. So much for paperwork.   
  
"Hey."  
  
He runs relaxing patterns around my back, releasing my tense muscles with his gentle touch. I melt into his hold. He's shifting through papers with one hand and holding me with the other. I place another kiss on his lips and he shows a delicate smile. I look back at Tayte and make sure he's sleeping. He always complains about me kissing Donnie in front of him. He's still asleep, so we're good for the moment. I start to stand up and head toward the shower. He pulls me in front of him, holding my arms, looking up at me. He's so damn cute. He skims my back and butt gently before resting his head against my stomach. He kisses around my navel before looking back up at me.   
  
"Hi."  
  
I pull him up with me, and he towers over me. He's so tall. I should be wearing heels when I'm with him, but I always forget. He puts his arms around me, I feel like I'm being suffocated. Of course I could deal with this kind of suffocation. I give him another kiss. It's funny, because most couples after seven years don't have this. Susan and Chuck rarely have their moments, Sam and Luka used to kiss all the time, now it's nothing but a simple acknowledging nod. I have come home to this almost every single day, and I'm still not sick of it. I could stay in his arms forever. He's my protector, my guardian. I sound like a cheesy romance novel, but I feel safest in his arms. He cares about me and my son. He's given me all of his heart. He's perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I'm the most imperfect woman he could have chosen to love.   
  
"Donnie, I need to talk to you."  
  
I pull him into the kitchen. I don't want Tayte to hear any of this. He follows my lead, a worried expression on his face. I think he was up late last night with Tayte and his fever. I also think he's been up early working on paperwork. The man is going to be his own end. I brush his hair out of his eyes, and run my hand over his stubble ridden cheeks. He forces another smile, but it quickly disappears. He knows something up. He can read me like a book.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
I move away from him a little. I have no clue how he will react. He follows me a little then lets me gain my distance. I fidget from foot to foot, pulling on my hair, cracking my knuckles. He gives me a short look, he probably can smell the cigarettes I've had. He hates me smoking. I'm a doctor. I should know better. I can almost imagine him giving me my speech, you're telling your patients not to smoke . . . how are they supposed to listen to you if you can't listen to yourself. I know, I know. Tonight I had a patient die of end stage lung cancer. He smoked three packs a day. I'm not that bad yet, although I used to be. I stopped for Tayte. I've done mostly everything in my life for Tayte. Just like the thing I'm about to do. It's for Tayte.   
  
"It's about Tayte."  
  
A worried look plants itself permanently on his face, brining out the bags under his eyes, the wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes. He moves closer and I move father away. He glances back at the sleeping figure on the sofa, ready to run to his rescue at a second's notice. I know he loves him more than the world. I've seen the two of them together. They are so happy. I'd hate to do anything to destroy that relationship. But he needs to know, for my sake, for Tayte's sake. I have been carrying around this secret and it seems to be the only thing blocking me from giving Donnie my whole heart and soul. I'm just afraid this will be the point where Donnie doesn't want me anymore.   
  
"Is he okay?"  
  
I nod my head, staring at the wood floor in our kitchen. The wood spirals and changes colors and fades and brightens. It's like a maze. Something I've never noticed before. I play with my fingers, trying to crack them, but everything's gone. I lean against the counter, the edge digging into my back. I take a deep breath. This is the moment of truth. My life will either suddenly get better or suddenly be destroyed.   
  
"He's just . . . You're not . . . Tayte's not biologically yours."  
  
I swear I haven't taken a breath in the last ten minutes. I can feel the ceiling and the walls beginning to spin around me. I can't look at him. I'm afraid at what I might see. He's leaning against the wall. I hear him let out a breath. I'm hoping my lungs are going to remember how to work before I faint. I manage to glance at him. I can't read his expression. But it's definitely not what I expected it to be. I hold onto the counter for support. I didn't think it would take this much out of me. I hear him almost let out a laugh. I can feel his hands wrapping around my waist and pulling me into his arms.   
  
"I know."  
  
Wait a minute. He knows? How does he know? Is there something I'm not aware of? If he knows why is he still here with me? I expected every reaction from him but this. I thought he would go crazy, screaming and yelling, then leave. I thought he might stay with us out of sympathy. I thought he might demand I leave with my bastard son and never come back. I expected a lot of things, but then again I'm a pessimist. I thought the worst case scenario would be him leaving. I never even thought of the best case. I never think that things might work out, somehow.   
  
"What?"  
  
He holds my hands as I stare into his eyes. I think I have met the world's more perfect man. He swings our hands lightly as he places a delicate kiss on my forehead. He just let every burden I've been carrying for years fall off my shoulders. I feel light as a feather. I lean into him and he catches me. I push him against the fridge and he lets out another slight laugh. He's got a tiny smile forming, and I can see the spark in his eyes. His deep brown eyes, the one's I've gotten lost in every night for seven years. The same eyes that remind me . . . No. I feel him squeeze me gently and I trace his chest with my finger.   
  
"I know, Abby. I'm a doctor, not oblivious. The dates didn't match up."  
  
Why was I stupid enough to believe he wouldn't think the dates were off a bit? I was probably too over-obsessed with my worries about Taste being normal and healthy . . . And thoughts of him. How to reach him, if I should tell him, how he would react, how I would react to his reaction . . . There were so many things flooding my mind at the time I didn't pay too much attention to what Donnie wanted. But then again, I hadn't thought of having him in my life this long either. I thought he would just up and leave, tell me I was a liar and disappear. He didn't. He hung around. I never thought anything of it. I never decided to change his mind after he was parading around the ER with his new son, happier than I had ever seen him. I didn't know what to make of things after that. I let time tell me.   
  
"So you've known all this time?"  
  
I feel him nod his head as I dig my face into his chest, I don't really feel like having him see me cry. He knows me too well by now. His hands run rhythmically up and down my sore back as he plants a kiss on top of my head. He's holding me so tight, it hurts, but it feels so good. I can't let him go. I'd be an idiot to. He pushes me a little off him and forces a smile upon my face. He's the only man, besides Taste, that can make me smile. It feels so good to smile.   
  
"Yes. I figured when the time came, you would tell me."  
  
I really don't get how this man can hold so much in without having it destroy him. I mean I would have probably screamed it out at me if I was him. He knew. He didn't care. I wish I could understand him. He's so perfect, without a doubt, the best man in the world. And I have no clue why he's still here with me. I could probably keep wondering that question for hours, days, weeks, months, years . . . and never get a good enough answer. He could probably get any other girl he wants, but he chose me.  
  
"Listen, I'm Tayte's father regardless of what anyone says. I was with you through pregnancy and delivery. I was the first one to hold him, I saw his first smile, his first steps, his first kiss . . . He's my life. I love him. And I love you."   
  
He places a kiss on my lips, but me being me, I push him away. I don't necessarily want to do it. I do it out of reflex . . . Or habit of survival. I don't know. He gets the picture and moves out of the way. He knows me by now too well. I can see the bit of anger in his eyes, but he will never do anything. He's never raised his hand to me, nor Taste. I know I hurt him a little each time I do it, but it's hard to break old habits.   
  
"Donnie . . . "  
  
I watch him walk to the other end of the kitchen, leaning against the counter, gripping onto the edge in an attempt to control some of his anger. I wish I could figure out what he's angry about. He's not angry about the Taste situation, I think he's angry at me. I don't know. We've never really had a fight, we have disagreements and he's the one to usually apologize. I move closer to the door, he runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head at me. He throws up his hands in surrender and moves back, closer to me.   
  
"No, listen to me for a second. We've been together for the past seven years, and we're good together. We're both growing older, and I know you want more kids as much as I do, although you won't admit it. I can give you everything you could ever ask for . . . I ugh. I know you don't love me as much as I love you. I've come to terms with it. I can even name off the person you love. But Abby, he's not good for you. He's caused you so much pain and misery. Let me be the one that's going to stand by your side, through thick and thin. I won't run away. I haven't yet. This isn't about an immature adolescent's view of love. We've all grown out of that. It's about having each other to depend on, to be with, to talk to. Please, Abby, I don't see my life without you."


	9. Mistakes

He hands me the steaming coffee cup and I gladly take it. His dark brown hair blows with the strong wind, and he gives up trying to control it. He sits down on the bench next to me and I lay my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand and laces his fingers with mine. I'm so lost lately, I don't know where to turn. Donnie keeps being there, and I hate pulling him through these loops that I constantly am. I don't know what to do. I don't even know where my heart is. Donnie is absolutely amazing, Tayte loves him. I just don't know if he's the one for me, if I can spend the rest of my life with him. We were so perfect together, just being together. We never talked about marriage, we both were scared of it. I'm not scared anymore, I'm terrified. I feel his thumb running over my hand, and I let out a sigh, snuggling in closer to him.  
  
"I don't know what to do anymore."  
  
He lets out a small laugh, and takes a sip of coffee. I cradle the warmth of the liquid in my hand. Lately coffee has tasted like acid, and food like poison. I can barely sleep and exist. The only time I"m actually sane is during work. The traumas always get my blood racing.   
  
"Just follow your heart, everything else will work out."  
  
I nod my head and he lets go of his hold on me. He runs his hand over my leg a few times before leaning over and placing a kiss on my cheek. I repay the kiss and grab his hand again. It feels good to be completely at ease around him. I never thought I'd see the day.   
  
"I'm always here if you need me."  
  
I squeeze his hand and nod my head, he starts to turn and breaks away from me. I just spilled my soul to him, everything I had been thinking, and he stood there and listen to me. He respects me and understands me.   
  
"Thank-you Luka."  
  
I watch him wander off and I start to stand up, following him. I have to get back to work too, but I just can't handle it all. The thoughts are swarming through my mind and I can't concentrate. They haven't paged me yet, so their probably not backed up. I take a drink and the liquid scalds my tongue. I sip it slowly and then throw it out as soon as I make it through the doors. The caffeine in coffee doesn't have its usual affect anymore. It's more of a sedative than anything else. I glace at the board and it's pretty empty, and most of the patients have been taken care of.   
  
"Jerry, I'm going to lie down for a bit."  
  
He nods his head and I head toward the suture room. I'm hoping its empty because I need to make up for the sleep I lost. A hand grabs me as I'm making my way there, pulling me toward exam three. I reach over and hit him, hoping he'll release his grip. Carter loosens it, but doesn't let me go. The room is empty, besides a corpse in the corner. We're in the dark, and I pop on a light. I do not want anyone getting any type of ideas. I lean against the Gurney and he hangs his hands out of his coat pockets, giving me a typical Carter look.   
  
"Abby, I want to see my son."  
  
I run my nails up and down my arm, scratching at my skin. It's a random habit I have when I get uncomfortable. What am I supposed to tell him? Sure. Go head. Destroy my son's perception of family and love. You tell him that he is a bastard child and why you weren't there in his life for seven years. You tell him why Donnie's been there through everything, and you can also explain to me why Donnie loves him more than you do, even when Donnie's not his real father. You can explain all that to me and my son because I don't get it.   
  
"Donnie's his father."   
  
He walks closer to me, pushing me up against the metal of the Gurney. I can feel the edge digging into my leg and it's painful but I don't dare move. I can see him biting on his bottom lip, he doesn't know what to do. Neither do I for that matter. His fingers search for something to rest on, for something to do. He brushes away the loose hairs from my lab coat, then rests his hand on my shoulder.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
He presses his lips against mine, and I a jolt of electricity shoots through me. I can barely feel what's going on around me. The room has suddenly gone dark, and the only two people left in the universe are me and him. I've missed his taste, his touch, his smell. I 've missed everything about him. Suddenly everything that I've tried to forget about him, I can remember in precise detail. He slips his tongue into my mouth carefully, reclaiming all his lost territory. My arms wrap around his waist my body pressing as close to him as humanly possible. I can feel him smiling through his kiss. I can also feel the tears forming in my eyes. What am I doing? Is this what Luka meant by following my heart? Sleep with Donnie during the night and have sex with Carter during the day? Its not fair to anyone. I'm going to tear my family apart. The family I've worked for ages to preserve with Donnie....  
  
Donnie.   
  
The look on his face speaks more than words ever will be able to. Shock, hurt, pain.   
  
Disbelief.   
  
I"m rooted in my spot. He throws the chat in his hand on the bed nearest to him, metal hitting metal. He sprints through the door, toward the exit. I think I just ruined everything good in my life. Carter's starring at me dumbfounded. You moron. You fucking moron. I hate you. I wish I had never met you. Get out of my life. Get out of my life and stay there. You are not the father of my child. You are not the one I love. You are nothing to me. The sound of my hand slapping his face echoes through the entire room, a sharp pitch of pain sends him feet away from me. My hand is throbbing but I don't care. I want him to feel pain. He's gripping the side of his face; he's afraid to even look at me. I leave him, running after Donnie. Damn it. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated all of a sudden? 


End file.
